Assprat Pretentia

Ms. Pretentia would like to apologise on behalf of all her component personalities to Assprat's long-suffering readers who have gone without a post for nearly a fortnight. However, we (the said component personalities) do have an excuse: unlike the sorry-ass correspondents of Crescat Sententia, Ms. Pretentia actually has both a life and a job. But this is all water over the dam -- Assprat is back!

Bill Toad: Good to know we're back. I was too busy checking our links and Google numbers to know that we were away. At any rate, I have just published the first installment in my new column for the Bartlett Spittoon: After the Skirts That Trail Along the Floor. Given that I can't survive more than 10.14159 seconds without literary ego-massaging, I will now reprint said column for the amusement (I use the term as loosely my belt) of Pretentia's readership, who are heartily encouraged to email me their laudatory praises:

After the Skirts That Trail Along the Floor

By Bill Toad

Though a libertarian, I have always considered myself a staunch defender of personal virtue. As chastity is surely foremost among the qualities of virtue, I am pleased to announce that, as a result of my admonishment of the use of lipstick and makeup among women, many have stopped using these products and have thereby commenced to lives of greater purity and chastity. Granted, this is because the cessation of the use of cosmetic products caused said women to appear intercomparable with the aggregate visage of the University of Chicago female population, hence inhibiting their ability to "get any", but this is immaterial -- voluntarily, or otherwise, the women became chaste. As a result of my stunning success with women I have decided to bestow the untold benefits of my chastity-encouraging beauty and style tips upon men. In fact, I have every reason to believe that the benefits of my advice will be particularly pronounced in men: after all I am (contrary to popular opinion) a man, consequently giving me the advantage of personal experience. Additionally, as a man who has managed to remain thoroughly chaste since puberty, I have an admirable track-record. Accordingly, and without further ado, I give you the plan that has worked such wonders for me -- Bill Toad's Comprehensive Chastity-Assuring Lifestyle Programme:

Bill Toad's Comprehensive Chastity-Assuring Lifestyle Programme:

Step 1: New articles of clothing are to be purchased at intervals of not less than three years.

Step 2: Articles of clothing are not to be laundered. For any reason. Ever.

Step 3: All implements and processes of oral hygiene including, but not limited to, toothpaste, toothbrushes, dental floss and visits to dentists and/or orthodontists are strictly prohibited.

Step 4: Bathing and other processes that involve water making contact with the epidermis are similarly prohibited.

Step 5: Perfumes should be replaced with vinegar and/or cooking wine and deodorants with hollandaise sauce.

Step 6: Consume 314.278 more kilo-calories per day than expended through physical exertion.

Step 7: Keep said physical exertion to a minimum.

While this plan may not be advisable for actors, dancers, and those with injuries or a taste for the outrageous, I can guarantee the rest of my readership that, by following this simple seven step programme, they will experience an immediate improvement in morality.

Bill Toad, a complete prat, maintains a blog at http://pretenta.blogspot.com and happily accepts praise at mspretentia@yahoo.com.

Samey: My apologies for interupting, but I would like to announce that the wonderful multiple personalities of Assprat will be posting their first two "serious" posts shortly -- stay tuned!

Bill Toad: Um, thanks for the tip, but as we seem to have run out of sufficiently esoteric material, or even material that is not offensively banal ...

Nate Toad: Hi everybody! I'm Bill Toad's little brother and it's just swell that he takes pity on me and lets me post here. Just thought I'd let everybody know I'm still here. Simian buttocks are cool!

Bill Toad: Thank you for the insight, Nate. As I was saying, we seem to have run out of material that abstains from offensive banality and ergo I leave you, gentle reader, with the following irrelevant quote, which, in breaking with tradition, actually contains a modicum of relevance -- though this relevance escapes me since I have, as usual, failed to read the text:

Come, madam, come, all rest my powers defy ;
Until I labour, I in labour lie.
The foe ofttimes, having the foe in sight,
Is tired with standing, though he never fight.
Off with that girdle, like heaven's zone glittering,
But a far fairer world encompassing.
Unpin that spangled breast-plate, which you wear,
That th' eyes of busy fools may be stopp'd there.
Unlace yourself, for that harmonious chime
Tells me from you that now it is bed-time.
Off with that happy busk, which I envy,
That still can be, and still can stand so nigh.
Your gown going off such beauteous state reveals,
As when from flowery meads th' hill's shadow steals.
Off with your wiry coronet, and show
The hairy diadems which on you do grow.
Off with your hose and shoes ; then softly tread
In this love's hallow'd temple, this soft bed.
In such white robes heaven's angels used to be
Revealed to men ; thou, angel, bring'st with thee
A heaven-like Mahomet's paradise ; and though
Ill spirits walk in white, we easily know
By this these angels from an evil sprite ;
Those set our hairs, but these our flesh upright.

-John Donne from "To His Mistress Going to Bed".